Thursday, August 21, 2014

I'm back, bitches

Hi, i know i've been abandoning this blog a whole lot (a whole.. FOREVER, more like it). But it's not like anyone reads it, i solely update this blog only when i feel like i'm in need of expressing how i feel.. or maybe for the sake of updating it HAHAHA ok lol off topic.

But anyway, I used to have this thing where i'd read other people's blogs religiously, and i would constantly update myself with their updates and yes i was lifeless that way (not that i'm not anymore, but still), so i haven't actually done that in probably.. a year (?). So ever since i came back to KK (Kota Kinabalu, for the ones that wants to know), i've been bored out of my mind, so i went back to blog-stalking.

Went on Facebook, and i rarely do, whenever i'm in KL, heck, i don't even bother with whoever's life on the social network. But boredom does that to people, and i read through some friends' stuff and stumbled upon some other people's blogs. So i decided to check mine out, boy was it dead! so I read through my old post, what the fuck was i thinking man? I seriously CANNOT stop cringing at how ridiculous i sounded on my old rants HAHA but yeah, it is amusing at one point that i started laughing at my 16,17 years old self.

I was such an emotional fucking high schooler. Not that i'm not now, but i used to fret over the littlest ridiculous things, I mean, i still do but honestly, WHAT THE FUCK HAHAHAHA.

So one particular old post of mine caught my attention, the one where i said i'm so grateful for the people in my life and everything. Yeah, that. Ring a bell? no? Okay, never mind. So yeah anyway, THAT WAS ALL A LIE. I mean, not entirely all of it, but more than half of it are totally fake. I didn't particularly felt that grateful as i sound, i know i didn't. Because after posting that, i thought maybe "hey I should be grateful, and like, writing things to be grateful about is rather therapeutic" and it REALLY IS. But lets be honest, i wasn't entirely happy about everything i listed down, man.

High school was honestly one of the good times of my life, but it definitely wasn't the best. It taught me a lot, and i've had a ton of friends, but i've actually felt like i was the only who wanted more in life than the rest. Okay fine, that isn't fair. Maybe they all did, but everyone just hid their real intentions in life. But honestly, i felt like i was stuck with people i wasn't happy with, i was trying to be someone i wasn't, and i'm not even joking. There were the good people and there were the bad people, but at the end of the day, i feel like changes really isn't so bad. Literally, i mean, i swear it isn't.

I had some sort of a 360 degrees turn when i turned 18, i got chosen for National Service (fucking hated it and i still do), i was in the 2nd batch. So i had to postpone my studies' process for a bit, so i applied for a September intake for a school in the UK. Got accepted, parents were happy, and was going to pay my fees and the whole shit ya know? Then some fucked up hell came and ruined all my plans. I can't say i was excited about that (lol sarcasm har har) so obviously, i was super duper devastated. Having to go for national service, and my dream of getting out of suffocation was cut off. not literally suffocating, but i felt suffocated being here in KK so i really wanted to leave.


Just not the whole fancy nancy UK. After finishing national service (was so fucking glad i'm done with it i fucking hated it), I did a really reluctant choice of moving to KL to get my pre-U done, and boy did i make the best decision ever. KL was the best choice i've made, not that i'm gonna continue there for degree but moving to KL was a fucking damn amazing decision i've made. I was honestly very lonely when i first left for KL, i felt like no one cared besides my family and the 1 or 2 friends only who cared to ask that i left. The rest didn't honestly give a shit. Mind you, i am not gossiping about them or saying shit about them, because honestly at one point, we're all still friends but i've just discovered that we've all went our separate ways and i don't hate them at all.

But man, i've been studying in KL almost a year now. A week and a half from now, marks the 1 year of being in KL. I've met a ton of people that honestly touched my life and taught me so many things, different cultures, languages, life, maturity, food, perspectives, and basically.. appreciation for people. I've always loved humanity, and i've always tried to see the good in people (lol fucking cheesy but ya), but i've always had a dark cloud looming around my head and it was so hard for me to see that people can be good (I was/am not bitter ok was just a typical teen). I'm so grateful to have met the best people in KL that i can totally say that cares for me as much as i do for them, it's such a sweet thing to have a random phone call from anyone that are close to me in KL to call me for random hangouts, lunches, shisha moments, and even window shopping! OR even running errands, i wouldn't even mind because the COMPANY really does matter. Even though i do get a lot of 3/4 am phone calls and texts about some of my friends being drunk HAHA but yeah or just me being worried whenever some of my friends goes out for parties.

But guys, i just felt like i should share this to all of you, to all the people that feels so fucking fucked up right now, that feels so fucking lonely because you know there are the people who can click and understand you but they're just not in front of you, its okay, because THERE WILL BE. I honestly was impatient, tried so hard to believe that i deserve better, but instead i settled. DONT EVER FUCKING SETTLE, man. Take a god honest fucking deep breath, because when you go out of your comfort fucking zone, you will actually meet better people. I'm not saying you gotta be naive, of course you gotta be careful with your choice of people in your life, but just because 99% of humanity are cock-sucking fuckers, doesn't mean the 1% of it are. BE your own cheerleader.

I am obviously still human being, i still feel all those sad shit, but i will always have a reminder that there are people from the other side of this country or the world that goes through worst than i did/do, so i tell myself to be grateful for the people and things in my life. BECAUSE man, i'm a bloody hell contented person now. and always will be.

Thats all guys, plus i'm so tired, rant soon (maybe)!
hope the pictures suffice!