hello, its 2:07 am right now. I'm awake, due to the fact that i didn't want to sleep with all those negative thoughts and bad energy i was feeling to sleep. So i found solitude in reading some articles and well, venting it to a really good friend.
I didn't gossip or anything like that when i was WhatsApp-ing with that friend, but these days i just felt stuck and super super anti-social. So i started talking to that friend, and i almost forgotten how it felt like knowing someone could listen and really understand everything you're going through. I didn't know that actually, all i really needed was to vent it out, and for someone to listen. It was nice to let it all out and just get past it.
I thought i was mostly stressed out due to the fact that i'm having SPM in less than a week time, but besides that, i found out i was having some truly ridiculous thoughts about things that weren't/aren't happening at all. Worries truly does that to a person.
So while i was looking through some articles, i thought of subjects among all the 10 subjects that i take for SPM. and i thought of which i could still study hard and smart to score real good for it. Since i practically need my SPM grades to get into uni, well.. lets just say my forecast result are not to be revealed unless one day i feel like i could show it. And i could apply using my forecast result, but i'm sure its too bad that it can't even see the light of the day (exactly what i told the director of Bellerbys College when he wanted me to get into Bellerbys).
brace yourself, its gonna be full of gratitudes,
i have been very uncertain about a lot of things, like whenever someone ask me about how many A's i'm targeting to get for SPM, i'd always reply "well, i hope as much A's. Honestly, as much A's as i can get. Because, in all honesty, my grades has been bad." And i super despise being so uncertain. I want the college and Uni life, trust me. Exclude the workload and the studies, but i still wanna do it! Insane, i know. I don't tell much people about this, i'd either just tell one or two very very close friend that i know i could tell a lot of things with, ie; my dreams.
I swear, i have been so dreadfully down lately. I've been slacking and procrastinating so badly. I'd keep saying "oh its because i need a new study table, or new revision books, or more time or. .etc etc.." and making really ridiculous excuses. I don't know if i was sad or just lazy.. but, i swear i've been avoiding a lot of people. I've been keeping my distance and such. But, right now, for once, ever since last month, i'm a little more content with the little things.
Little things were the ones that made me so so so so down. The bad little things. I kept dwelling upon them. I didn't even start being grateful of things, people, event like i used to. I kept myself hidden in my room unless its lunch or dinner. I've been watching Leverage & Supernatural. Its good, but still, i felt like something's missing.
Then i realized, that i am actually happy. I have everything i want. I may not look all perfect, skinny or have everything others have, but i can change it all. I read something on someone's blog about how a person with an ugly heart are worst than someone that doesn't look appealing. Because looks or weight or whichever could be changed. I don't know why i'm suddenly rambling about these kind of things because i'd normally not give a shit, but i did feel a little insecurities about some little things. but its all good!
I have the very best friends; Iman, Arif, Jerom, Natasja and Daniel. I seriously love them to bits. I don't really like showing all those emotional feelings that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy, but i secretly love feeling that way. tough love, ya say? But, really, i do!
i'm thankful for the amazing friends that i have, i'm super thankful for the fact that i have a chance to pursue my studies when others very very hardworking students don't even get a chance to go overseas for it (God bless you, people), i'm thankful for the laughters my friends gives me everyday, and my parents being such lame-oes, for my macbook, for my grandma pestering all of us to eat all the time, for my unlimited 3G internet + postpaid number, for Rhonda Byrne to introduce the Secret to mankind, for the book to teach me about gratitude and love for my enemies and every single person i meet (i really will and do try), and for God for creating us; Human beings, for Arif always making me laugh + being there for me and listening to my shit no matter how stupid and an emotional wreck i am, and for the cold weather these days, for Sam & Dean Winchester existing as fictional characters in Supernatural, Zaid being my very amazing singing buddy, for Iman going all childish over Cookie (don't worry, i always love you even with my tantrums or your expressionless look), for Iman's parents for offering me food ALL THE TIME (truly blessed; they're so so so so amazing, i swear.), for the author of Judith McNaught who wrote such amazing and spellbinding books that taught me true love, for Julia Quinn to write such witty yet funny romance books of the Bridgerton family series that never fails to make me & Iman smile over Anthony, Benedict and Colin's childish fights with each other and cute siblings moments & it never fails to give me those butterflies in my stomach (not literally) + the warm and fuzzy feeling, for Fifty Shades trilogy to exist and made such a good character like; Christian Grey, for inventing highlighters cause it makes me memorize easier, for Daniel Eloy being there for me even thought he's a thousand miles away in Arizona, US. and listening to my rambles about shit and my insecurities and for being so so so amazing (seriously love you man!) and for making me realize that all of the bad things will be over, technically, for literally, EVERY single thing in my life. the bad and the good. No regrets for my past, even though there's the bad ones, but come to think about it, i'm so thankful.
gratitude seriously opened my eyes to a whole new world. I love love love love love my best friends. Amen to that. God, thank you for granting me the best ways to study for SPM, and for giving me such amazing grades for SPM (affirmation).
Thank you, for everything.